‘Exam timetable is out, have you seen it?’ I had just finished wooing a chic that evening when I heard the statement that makes my blood run cold each time.
Exam timetable is out. Exam period was such an unwelcome period at this time of my life. At any time of my life. There is absolutely no history or international studies in my head.
That sealed my academic fate. I couldn’t be bothered with studying after that episode. True, the man was brilliant – Who care?
but mum was different. She recognized the fact that not everyone was cut out for the academic life. She tried to push me gently along but mostly,she just let me be me. Let’s leave my family alone for a while and talk about happier surroundings; school. I love being in school. There was so much freedom to do as you wanted. Here, I truly lived, I Chased Girls, hung out with friends and generally had fun. You might point out that I didn’t mention going to class. It’s not as if I don’t attend classes. I do, but I have strict rules for doing so. Rule number one: I don’t attend classes fixed before nine o’ clock. The reason for this is simple. For me to function effectively during the day, I need at least eight hours of sleep and I’m a classic late sleeper. I never sleep before midnight. Rule number two: any lecture fixed
after four p.m. is not mine to attend.
phone and it rang, as if on cue. It was chibuike calling. Chibuike was my friend, A more brilliant, more serious version of myself, we had seen many good and bad times together.
‘igbo, how far na?’ I said into the phone.
‘Mezie, I dey o.’ he replied, ‘how your side?’
‘Not bad, bro.’ .
‘Have you seen the exam timetable?’
I groaned.
‘I haven’t. Have you?’
‘Oh boy! I have o. Our first paper is on the first day of exams.’ He paused for a while before he spoke again. ‘Speaking of exams, I have something to discuss with you.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Mezie, I’m changing my life. I know we’ve been sitting together for exams since our 100 level days but we can’t do that anymore.’ Chibuike said, his voice sounding more surreal with each word.
‘What are you talking about? This is our exam.’
‘I’m really sorry. You know how it is, there’s always the chance that they’ll postpone the exams. You can still study.’
‘Are you been serious? You know I’m no good at studying.’‘I’m really sorry, bro. i have to stay with ifunanya,she really needs my help’ He said as he ended the call.I flopped back on the bed. I refused to believe this was happening. After managing to get by for the past one year, I was in trouble.Usually, I did as I pleased for the better part of the semester and when exams came around, I crammed as much as I could. Whatever I didn’t remember in the exam hall, chibuie told me. He came out with As and Bs, mostly As while I came out with Bs and Cs, mostly Cs. I didn’t mind and neither did he. Our relationship was perfect. Until now. Why, I asked myself, would Chibuike have sense a fortnight before our final exams to become the devout. Christian he has never been? Why on earth couldn’t he wait till graduation before making such a decision? I soon slept off and dreamt of giant exam questions, holding axes, chasing me.
The next day, my mood was yet to lift but I was motivated enough to attend an 8:00 a.m. class. As I headed to class, I hoped the lecturer would be generous enough to give us tutorial questions. Two hours and a rumbling stomach later, the lecture was over. The lecturer had refused to give us tutorial questions. When we asked for an area to concentrate our studying on, he replied cheekily that we should concentrate on the whole semester’s work. Two weeks later, the exams started. The first four papers came and went quickly. They were not difficult and I was sure I wouldn’t fail any of them. So far, so good. The last paper was the one I dreaded the most dr festus RUSSIA FROM THE EARLIEST TIMES. The course sounded straight forward enough until I wrote the test earlier in the semester. The man had a habit of concocting his questions in such a way that you’d have no idea what he was asking. He never asked what or why in his exams. Rather, he asked questions that made you rue the day you decided to study History . This was a course I couldn’t cram for. As soon as the invigilator gave me my question paper, I glanced at it and I felt my brow getting wet. Of the four questions, I had only a vague idea of what he wanted in one. The other three could have been asked in Greek for all I Care. When the invigilator yelled for us to start, I decided to fill my answer booklet, regardless of whether I was right or wrong. Here goes nothing, I thought as I picked my pen. I used up every single page of the booklet and by the time I submitted, I was convinced that I would fail the course. No one in his right senses would give me anything more than ten percent in that paper. As I walked back home in despair that Friday afternoon, an idea slowly took form in my mind. I turned it over and over until I was sure it would work. I did my research that night and on Saturday morning, I put my plan into motion. As I was told by someone who attended the same church as he, Dr Festus was a very religious man. He not only went to church on Sunday but on Wednesday and Friday as well. He even helped with the cleaning on Saturday. That was the centre piece around which my plan was built.
I woke up on Saturday morning, I showered quickly, had breakfast –leftover beans from the previous night which Rolextee had prepared – and rummaged in my wardrobe for the costume I borrowed the previous day. a stick-on moustache, some brown powder and a thick afro wig. They were just perfect for what I had in mind. I knocked on rollos door and he opened up. rollo was my next door neighbour and a member of one of the white garment churches.
‘How far, rollo?’‘mezie, I dey o.’ he answered,‘Abeg, you fit borrow me your church garment?’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘My sutannah?’I had already prepared my lie. ‘You know I wan act one drama for our fellowship We get practise today. Dem say make I bring some costumes along.’‘I see.’ He backed into his room and was soon back with the snow white robe. He handed it to me and immediately dashed back into the room. He came back bearing a long blue girdle with shimmering strands at both ends. ‘take this one too,’ he said, He showed me how to tie the girdle. ‘Thanks so much, man.’
‘No problem.’ He replied as he locked his door I went back to my room and changed into the robe. I tied the girdle the way rollo taught me and proceeded to make-up. I used some of the brown powder until my dark skin was closer to the colour of my hair. I stuck the moustache above my upper lip, donned the afro wig and looked in the mirror. I was satisfied with what I saw. Even mom might not recognise me like this, I thought. Instead of the 21-year old unserious fellow that I was, I looked like Noah in My Book of Bible Stories. I went out on the streets of Amansea, hailed an okada and was soon at dr festus house. I alighted, paid the okada rider and waited in an uncompleted building beside the house. As if on cue, he soon came out. He was headed for Saturday morning cleaning at his church. I let him walk for a while, keeping him just ahead of me on the deserted path. I looked around to make sure no one else was in the vicinity before I increased my pace and caught up with him. ‘Good morning, child of God.’ I hailed my heart beating wildly against my ribs.‘Good morning.’ he replied, also in. He didn’t even break his stride. ‘The Lord has sent me to you.’ I said. He stopped and turned to face me before I continued. ‘He is well pleased with your devotion to him.’ I looked at his face to gauge his reaction. The man had a look of reverence on his face and I was emboldened. ‘The book of 2nd Chronicles, chapter 29, verse 5 asks a question: “who then is willing to consecrate his service this day unto the Lord?”’ I was not such a bible scholar but that passage was a favourite of dad’s and he quoted it anytime he wanted to do one thing or the other for our church back home. Luckily for me, it stuck in my head. Dr Festus nodded.‘The message for the day, child of God, is mercy. God asks you to show mercy unto whoever comes to ask for it and by so doing, your service shall be made whole. Peace be unto you.’ I made a sign of the cross and turned to another path. I had no idea where it led but I had to escape. My heart was now beating so loudly in my ears that I was afraid he would hear it. I didn’t look back but I heard him move away too. When I felt he would have gone far enough, I retraced my steps and found the familiar path. Mission accomplished.
The following Monday, I activated the second phase of my plan. I went to Dr Festus office and knocked on his door. I heard his voice asking me to come in. I said a silent prayer and went in. He was seated behind his desk with a laptop open in front of him. A stack of answer booklets were on either side of the computer. My heart skipped a beat. The man was already recording. He had marked the scripts over the weekend!
‘Good morning, sir.’ I said in a straggled voice. ‘Good morning,’ he replied. ‘What can I do for you?’ I looked at his craggy face and I almost lost my nerve but the sight of the laptop and the answer scripts spurred me on. I took a deep breath and tried to look as miserable as I could before I spoke.‘Sir, I was ill during your exam so I didn’t do it well. I don’t know how you can help me, sir.’ ‘What course is that?’ he asked, focusing on my face. ‘Russia, sir.’ I replied, feeling a surge of hope. The man could have sent me out of his office by now if he so wished but he hadn’t and that was a good sign.
Festus leaned back and thought for a while. Then he started to chuckle. I stared at the man. What on earth could be so funny? I wondered.
‘What’s your reg number?’ he asked suddenly, the laughter still in his voice. I told him. He typed on his laptop and looked up at my face again. ‘Do you know what I researched for my PhD thesis?’I shook my head. ‘No, sir.’ I wondered what his PhD thesis had to do with my Russia score.
‘Voice analysis for clinical assessment. What that means, young man, is that I am an expert on voices. You want to know why I chose that topic?’
This time he didn’t wait for my response before he continued.‘Because I never forget a voice.When a prophet approached me on Saturday, I believed in him, completely. But hearing your voice now, I know it was you. Do you double as a prophet during the weekends or something like that?’ My mouth dropped open. He knew! His smiling face suddenly hardened.‘The next time you pull a stunt like that on me, I’m going to have you rusticated, understand?’
I could only nod. I was stunned beyond words.‘Now, get out of my office.’I turned on my heels and walked as fast as I could to the door. I twisted the door knob and was about to go out when I heard him speak again.
‘By the way, you got a B
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